


simon x raphael | i deserve love

by WritenStuff



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Downworlders, Friends to Lovers, Kissing, M/M, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-09-26 13:39:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9900110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritenStuff/pseuds/WritenStuff
Summary: Raphael reaches breaking point and finally opens up about his feelings for Simon. Will Simon feel the same?





	1. i deserve love

**Author's Note:**

> [This first chapter was inspired by this Tumblr post. ](http://lesbianmaia.tumblr.com/post/157567292126/i-still-love-saphael-but-im-starting-to-think)

“I can’t do this anymore,” Raphael spoke the words as if they physically pained him. The reality was they did. In a way that he hadn’t felt in years, he was in pain. What used to be the sweet sting of what he felt for Simon, now a gaping wound. If they carried on like this that wound would only grow, only become infected. One day it would kill him.

“What do you mean?” Simon asked, confusion written over his features. He reached out to take Raphael’s hand but the vampire snatched it away as if Simon’s touch would burn him. It would, it always did, in the most delicious way. “Talk to me, Raphael.”

Instead Raphael turned his back on him, his eyes squeezing shut as he fought for composure. He was too old for this shit. Too powerful. Yet here he was, trying to dislodge Simon from the foothold he had on his heart. Simon, basically a child in vampire years. Still all sweetness and innocence. Raphael guessed he had a sweet tooth because he just couldn't get enough of him.

But the truth was Raphael had only had the smallest of tastes. While he was in, all in, for Simon, Simon's heart lay elsewhere. Sure he cared for Raphael. They were friends, sort of but Simon didn't see Raphael the way Raphael saw him. Didn't want Raphael the way Raphael wanted him. Didn't crave him. It was time that Raphael stopped hoping that would change. Stopped waiting around for any scraps that Simon threw his way. Scraps of his time, scraps of his innocent touches.

“What did I do?” Simon asked, his voice almost a whisper in the quiet of the room. He heard a harsh sigh spill from Raphael's lips and he chanced a step closer the older vampire. “Tell me what I did and I'll fix it. Raphael, please.”

At the pleading timbre to Simon's voice, Raphael turned on him sharply. Simon only had time to flinch before he was backed up and pinned against a nearby wall. His palms lay flat against the wall behind him as he froze to the spot. His gaze caught on Raphael's fangs and his eyes widened. Raphael cursed himself for the fear he could feel emanating off of Simon. “Mierda...” he whispered, a rough edge to his voice.

The irony of this whole thing was Raphael had often told Simon he deserved better than Clary. Deserved better than her wilful ignorance of his feelings, even as a best friend - never mind more. That nobody could be so blind as not to realise the way his eyes were drawn to her. The softness in those eyes when he watched at her. The way he had a secret smile just for her. The rise of the hairs on his arms at the slightest touch. The fumble of his words when he got close to putting his heart on the line and opening up to her. Raphael had noticed it, the magnitude of it, and it wasn't even directed at him.

Now it seemed that the apple didn't fall from the best friend tree. Simon was showing the same wilful ignorance when it came to Raphael's feelings. There was no way Simon could have simply not realised because it was demonstrated in every move Raphael made and every word he spoke. How he felt for Simon was in everything.

Not that Simon owed Raphael anything. That wasn't what this was about. He couldn't force Simon to have feelings for him any more than he could force his own to just disappear. So they had reached an impasse, whether Simon was aware of it or not.

Raphael took a step back from Simon, releasing him from where he had him pinned against the wall. He took a moment to fix the collar of Simon's jacket, his palms resting against Simon's chest for a second before he reluctantly broke contact completely. “Sorry, I didn't mean to,” Raphael said quietly.

Simon went to speak, confusion still evident on his face, but Raphael interrupted him before he got the chance. “I'm happy for you, Simon. I truly am,” he said, a small smile full of bitter-sweetness and pride rose on his lips. “You got the girl.”

Simon returned a smile at that, but rather than bitter-sweetness it was all pride and a little bashfulness. “I guess I did, huh?” he said, chucking Raphael on the shoulder. Raphael's dark eyes glanced to where Simon had made contact. Such an innocent gesture and yet it left tingles.

“But, I can't be someone you talk to about this stuff,” Raphael continued, his eyes resting back on Simon's face again. He stared at Simon intently, willing him to understand why. Willing him not to make him spell it out for him. “I'll be there for you, always, but I need some distance. I need time.” Simon looked at him searchingly, and then softly uttered the one question that Raphael didn't want to have to answer.  
  
“Why?”

So in a rush of breath and frustration and simple words, Raphael explained, “Because everything – every single thing - leads back to you, Simon. All my thoughts. All my wants. All my needs. From day one, that first day, everything has been you. I can't live like that anymore, I won't live like that anymore. I thought I knew hunger the day I became a vampire but it's nothing compared to the hunger I have for you. And you don't even have a fucking clue. No idea what I've been feeling and I deserve better. I deserve someone that sees me. Sees what I'm feeling. I deserve someone that loves me back.”

 


	2. are you f*cking with me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon is shocked by Raphael's declaration but is it as surprising as he first thinks? Or perhaps he's been in denial. Does it even matter? It doesn't change anything. Does it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A number of people asked me to do a follow up to this fic and while I had originally planned for this to remain an unrequited love story, I guess my heart had other ideas. I hope you enjoy!

“Are you fucking with me?” Simon replied after a beat. A beat that seemed like an eternity as he processed what the fuck had just happened. In that beat he replayed every interaction he and Raphael ever had. A new light shone on them, blinders at last removed. The guarded emotion in Raphael's stare, the way his touch lingered. The very thought of it had heat coursing through the blood in Simon's veins. 

Raphael flinched at Simon's use of the F word. Simon wasn't much for using swear words but he figured the situation called for it. Right now the word was lit up like a neon sign in his mind. Fuck. What the fuck? 

When Raphael didn't answer, a nervous laugh erupted from Simon's mouth and his hand rubbed at the back of his head, his fingers tugging on the hair there. “Jeez, Raph, you really had me going just then...” Simon carried on, his eyes darting from Raphael's face to the ground where they became very engrossed in something on the carpet. A joke. Of course it was a joke. For what reason? Simon had no clue but of course it was a joke. 

“I didn't- It wasn't-” Raphael began but before finishing he let out a harsh sigh and glanced to the heavens. “Dios...” he muttered. He hadn't really thought about the aftermath of this. He thought he could blurt out his feelings and be done with it. That Simon would be so freaked out he'd be out and away from Raphael as fast as his little – but highly attractive – vampire legs could take him. Raphael should have known better. Simon wasn't exactly the type to be predictable, well, aside from having a crush on his pretty best friend. In that regard he was a giant cliché. 

“It wasn't a joke, Simon,” Raphael uttered, finally. It was in a low, gravelly tone that did something to Simon's stomach. Oh, and there was that heat running through his veins again. 

A range of emotions passed over Simon's features. The smile that had adorned them when he thought Raphael was joking became an impression of a deer in the headlights and then confusion as his brows drew together. “Why?”

A weary laugh spilled from Raphael at that and he replied, “Why?” It seemed crazy to Raphael that he'd need to explain this to Simon. That just because Clary took so long to notice the perfection that was Simon Lewis, didn't mean it was that way for everyone. It had hit Raphael like a runaway train right from the beginning. He'd be lying if some small, dark part of him didn't rejoice the day Simon turned. Another small part of him wished it was him that had done it. Resented Camille for having that privilege but also hated himself for seeing it as such. 

“Why?” Simon repeated, his tone a little sharper now, the whip crack of it surprising Raphael. Then he continued, “Why now?” His voice was louder now and instead of confusion, his face portrayed almost anger. “You had all this time to say this shit but no, you don't say a word until I'm with Clary. Until I've finally got the girl I've been dreaming about for years.” Now it was Simon's turn to spin away, unable to look at Raphael any longer or perhaps have Raphael look at him. His hands clasped at the back of his head, the nails of one digging into the back of the other. 

“Simon, I-” Raphael paused, taking a step towards him, needing to close the distance. Needing to make this better. His hands itched to touch Simon, to soothe him. “I didn't plan this. Fuck, I just wanted some space. If you'd just left it at that-” 

Simon turned on him, slapping the hand away that Raphael was hesitantly reaching out towards him. “So this is my fault? You basically tell me you're in love with me and that's my fault?” 

“I didn't-” Raphael began, only to be cut off again with a shove to the shoulder.

“At least be man enough to own it. You fucking love me. Jesus Christ,” Simon said, ending on a dark laugh of disbelief and bitterness. He wasn't sure why he was so angry. It didn't change anything for him, not really. Sure things would be awkward between him and Raphael for a while but they hadn't exactly had an easy friendship – if that's even what it was. I mean, Raphael did kidnap Simon to begin with. All Simon had to say was thanks but no thanks. He was happy with Clary. Clary is what he wanted. Clary was what he had always wanted. 

“Would it have made a difference?” Raphael interrupted Simon's thoughts and for a moment that look of confusion clouded Simon's features again. “If I had told you before, before Clary, would it have made a difference?” 

Simon was struck mute by the question. The answer was no. Obviously the answer was no. So why couldn't he say that? Why did the word sit like led on his tongue? He found himself staring into intense dark eyes. They were rich, warm and brimming with emotion. Simon could get lost in those eyes if he let himself. He realised those eyes were closer than he'd realised. When had Raphael moved so close? One step, maybe two, and he they could be touching. 

Simon shook that thought from his head and decided not to examine where it came from. “That's not the point,” he finally replied. 

“I didn't think so,” Raphael said, glancing to the side and away from Simon. 

“Fuck you, Raphael. You don't get to put me on the spot like that and then act hurt when I don't tell you exactly what you want to hear exactly when you want to hear it.” In the back of his mind, Simon wondered where he was getting this courage from. Why did he feel like he could talk to Raphael like this without any repercussions? Why had he always felt that way? Had he known? Somewhere deep down had he known that Raphael felt more for him than either of them had openly acknowledged, that Raphael would never hurt him? Again, Simon wasn't sure he could say no. 

Raphael sighed and looked back at Simon, defeat and surrender plain to see on his face. “Simon, I'm not trying to put you on the spot. You're happy, I see that. I know you don't feel the same, I've always known. This isn't about making you feel shit about it, it's about being honest and admitting I can't do this anymore. All I ever wanted was some space.” 

“But I need you,” Simon's voice was small as the words spilled from his lips unbidden. His eyes were cast down. 

Raphael stepped forward, closing the small distance between them. His hand cupped Simon's cheek in a gesture more tender than they'd ever shared before. Simon's eyes drifted closed for the briefest of moments as Raphael's thumb gently brushed against his skin. Simon heard more than felt the audible click of his throat as he swallowed. When he opened his eyes he found Raphael's gaze on his lips. Unable to help it, he ran his tongue along the cushion of his bottom lip, watching as Raphael's eyes followed the movement. The air around them was charged in a way Simon had never noticed before. 

A moment later Raphael shook his head, as if shaking off the fog of whatever was happening between them, and seemingly for him the spell was broken. “Simon, I'm not going anywhere. If you need me, really need me, I'll be there for you. Do you understand?” 

It took Simon a little longer to catch up but he finally replied with a weak, “Yes.”

“Okay,” Raphael said, still holding Simon's cheek in his palm. He couldn't quite bring himself to relinquish the intimate touch. He'd waited so long, too long, to feel it. “Okay.” The second time was spoken in a breathy whisper as Simon's eyes darted between Raphael's eyes and his full lips. Simon made the smallest of forward motions, tilting his chin up just a little in silent request. Request for what, neither he nor Raphael were sure. 

“Fuck it,” Simon whispered before pressing his lips to Raphael's. He couldn't not. Simon loved Clary. He had always loved Clary but he would never be able to live with himself if he didn't make sure. If he didn't address the questions Raphael had undercovered, the feelings that had arisen. 

The kiss was no more than a press of lips at first. For a split second Simon thought he'd made a mistake. But then Raphael's other hand came up to craddle Simon's other cheek, using the hold to tilt Simon's head to deepen the kiss. As Raphael parted his lips, letting his tongue slide along the seam of Simon's, a small gasp escaping from Simon's mouth from the intimacy of the contact. The noise gave Raphael pause and pulled back an inch or two, his eyes taking in Simon's face, looking for confirmation that he was alright. That this was alright.  
“No, don't stop-” came in a hushed breath from Simon's lips as he gave a small jerk of his head, a reply to Raphael's silent request for consent. “I need to-”

Simon's breathy plea was silenced by Raphael's lips. This time Simon's arms came up to curl around Raphael's neck, holding him in return. One hand lay flat against Raphael's back, his nails gripping at his clothed skin, while the fingers of the other slid through his hair. The softness of Raphael's hair had never occurred to him before but now all he could think about was running his hands through it. Feeling it against his chest as Raphael's head rested there. 

A moment later Simon's back hit the wall as Raphael once more pinned him against it. When had they been moving? How things had escalated since the last time he was pinned to this flat surface. On the fringe of his mind Simon was wondering how much further this might go. How far might he let it go? 

When he felt the press of Raphael's firm body against his own, the way they fit together, he knew the answer to that question.


	3. yeah, i think i do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No. Wait. Stop-” Simon mumbled half heartedly against Raphael's lips as Raphael's hands snaked under the fabric of his shirt, seeking the contact of his smooth skin. “We need to talk about this before-” 
> 
> ***please read the notes at the beginning of this fic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was in two minds whether or not to post this after the last episode of Shadowhunters. Raphael came out as show canon ace (which I'm excited about! ...even if I dislike how it was handled so far). As such I don't feel comfortable completing this fic fully but I had already written this rough draft of the third instalment and I thought I would post it with the disclaimer that this was written **before** Raphael came out. It's incomplete and reads that way, so I apologise for leaving you hanging but some of you seemed to like this fic and I figured you might want to have known what I'd got down so far.
> 
> Apologies to anyone that may find this insensitive and just know that in the future I'll only be writing Raphael as ace. I can't wait!

“No. Wait. Stop-” Simon mumbled half heartedly against Raphael's lips as Raphael's hands snaked under the fabric of his shirt, seeking the contact of his smooth skin. “We need to talk about this before-”

At the word no, Raphael was already pulling away. His hands were greedy for the touch but he removed them too, fisting them at his sides instead. If Simon was having second thoughts he wasn't going to push it. Wasn't going to make him feel trapped. Raphael also took a couple of steps back for good measure, giving Simon a clear path to the door if he needed it. Simon was running this show. Raphael needed it to be on his terms.

Simon's hands smoothed down the material of his shirt and Raphael's eyes followed the movement. He wondered what those hands would feel like against his body. Warm, he imagined, for some reason. Raphael wondered if he'd ever find out.

“So uh...” Simon began before skirting around Raphael. For a moment Raphael thought he was making a break for it after all but was relieved when Simon took a seat on the couch. His hands gripped on the plush fabric on either side of him as he chewed on his lip nervously.

Raphael joined him, perching on the arm of the couch, wary of invading Simon's space. Simon rolled his eyes and patted the spot beside him. “Please sit here. You look like you're preparing to bolt when you sit on the arm like that. It's non-commital.”

“Eh, well what exactly am I comitting to if I take that spot you so kindly patted for me?” Raphael asked with an amused quirk of his brow.

“I don't know? To this conversation we need to have?” Simon replied, his eyes avoiding Raphael. Not two minutes ago they'd be devouring each other and now Simon could barely stand to look at him. That didn't bode well.

“Right. I guess I can committ to that,” Raphael muttered, moving to take the spot beside Simon. He wondered if Simon realised that he'd spread his legs just that little bit more when Raphael sat down. If he'd meant for their knees to brush the way they did. If he'd been craving that contact too.

His eyes were so glued to the spot their legs rested against each other that Raphael jumped when he heard Simon clear his throat in an attempt to get his attention. Raphael picked up his gaze and rested it on Simon's face. “So?”

_Right._ Simon had been the one to call for this discussion, so of course Raphael expected him to start. A pearly fang bit down on the corner of his lip as he attempted to gether his thoughts. What did he want?

The first thing that popped into his head was more of that nibbling thing that Raphael did with his fangs. That felt good on his lips. Simon wondered where else it might feel good too.

Okay, Simon needed to think of something more long term. Sure the kissing and the touching and the... _whatever_ else they might engage in, might feel good, might be exciting in the short term but did he honestly want to jeopardise what he had with Clary for it?

“Simon, it's fine. We don't have to. I get it. You were curious and now you know,” Raphael said the words like they left a bad taste in his mouth. Like they tasted bitter. Simon frowned.  
  
“Really? You'd just let it go? Just like that? Be fine with me going back to Clary and just never speaking of this again?” His tone was accusatory and again he wasn't sure why Raphael's response pissed him off.

Raphael's brow dipped, Simon's tone throwing him off. “Yeah...?” He asked with an implied question. Why was Simon acting like Raphael was being unreasonable? Or like Raphael's understanding offended him in some way. “Simon, tell me what you want.”

Simon's eyes dropped to his knees and his hand moved to pick at a seam in his jeans. When he spoke his voice was small. “I just don't know how I'm supposed to pick you when you don't seem all that bothered either way. This is a big deal, Raph.”

Raphael laughed out loud. Literally laughed out loud. Simon's eyes flew back to his face, his brows almost in his hairline in surprise at the loud noise. He wasn't sure he'd ever heard Raphael laugh quite so heartedly before. “How the fuck is this funny?” Simon demanded after a moment, not amused by the fact Raphael had flopped back against the couch and was holding his gut he chuckled. Simon's unamused face only made him laugh all the more but eventually he sobered enough to respond.

“I literally told you that I can't stand you be around you because of how I feel and you think because I don't want to pressure you into anything that I'm not bothered. I am so bothered, Simon. I am beyond bothered.” Raphael was still laughing back against the couch as he spoke, his hand moved to Simon's back and he rested his palm flat against the small of it. He'd told himself to keep his hands to himself but he figured this was safe. “I just didn't think you had a choice to make. 

Simon's eyes drifted closed as he felt the pressure of Raphael's hand against his back. The truth was he'd been longing for that connection since it had been broken. It soothed him and grounded him in a way he couldn't explain. “I didn't think I had a choice to make either.”

“But you do?” Raphael's voice was laced with hope in a way that hurt Simon's heart. In a way that he could never imagine saying no to. Simon wanted to take that hope and prop it up. Put a fence around it and help it grow. Protect it. As if Raphael needed any kind of protection.

“Yeah, I think I do.”


End file.
